When Conan O’Brien wed for the third time in 2003, it appeared that, on at least the domestic front, he had achieved a modicum of peace. O’Brien’s third wife, Janey Silver, was heir to the Long John Silver’s seafood empire, which by that time had expanded into men’s headwear and prosthetics. Less pious than Maureen Biscotti and less libertine than Connie Lingus, Ms. Silver appeared to be a better fit as a partner for O’Brien.
But eight months after their lavish wedding at Neverland Ranch, tragedy struck: Janet Silver was found in the O’Brien home, drowned in their indoor pool, which O’Brien kept full with Dom Perignon instead of chlorinated water because he “liked the bubble-bath vibe.”
Pundits still debate the meaning of the low-speed, three-hour car chase along the 405 freeway on the evening of Janey Silver’s death, in which police pursued O’Brien and his best friend Jon Lovitz in Lovitz’s white Ford Taurus. When O’Brien was ultimately taken in for interrogation, O’Brien’s response to each question from police officers regarding his wife’s death was to hold out his open palm and declare, “Talk to the hand.” Finally, in an attempt to escape further questioning, O’Brien offered $80 to the interrogating officer, winking and whispering, “That’s four lap dances in Reno. Five if you go to the Peppermint Hippo and tell them Conan sent you.”
After the eight-month circus of a trial, which has been covered in exhaustive detail elsewhere, O’Brien was acquitted, despite the shakiness of his alibi that he was at the library the night of his wife’s death, feverishly preparing for his upcoming interview with Jennifer Love Hewitt. But whether O’Brien is in fact innocent is, of course, another matter altogether.
As for motive, O’Brien had a timeless one: moolah. O’Brien had become accustomed to the trappings of wealth afforded by his new wife’s fortune: the collection of rare pop-up books; the maple syrup imported from Vermont; the walnut grinder and chandelier duster that he insisted be kept on staff. O’Brien’s wife was all that stood in the way of unfettered access to the Long John Silver’s fortune.
And then of course there was the peculiar behavior of O’Brien himself, whose giggly and profane appearance as a presenter on the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards the week after his wife’s demise drew criticism. The only interview O’Brien agreed to give concerning this tragic event was with Rachael Ray, who after perfunctorily asking O’Brien about his wife (to which he responded, “she was a little clingy, to be honest”), largely focused her questions on O’Brien’s preferred basting techniques when preparing a Sunday roast.
We may never know all of Conan O’Brien’s vile secrets, including whether he murdered his wife, or why he always sends back the Bacon Guac Crispy Chicken Sandwich at Chili’s for having “not enough Guac.” While he continues to surface in popular culture, in many ways O’Brien serves as a mirror to our own national depravity. He has also done voiceover work on “The Backyardigans.”
